Oh, PLEASE be wiser............

There's supposedly money in there for removing tattoos from gang members, too. How stimulating is that?

z

You know those church stories....?

I just got this and couldn't resist sharing it with all of you: A first time visitor to a church came to the alter for a personal prayer with the Pastor. The Pastor asked him what he wanted to pray for and the man asked the Pastor to pray for his hearing. With that, the Pastor placed his hands on the man's ears and prayed earnestly for 20 minutes. He then asked the man if his hearing was all right. "I don't know," said the man, "my hearing isn't until next Thursday at 10:00 a.m.

Out of the mouths of babes..........

A Public Service Announcement...CALLING ALL MEN!

I guess I SHOULD have posted this this morning, huh? Well, I hope you guys get the hint!

(And PLEASE watch the video below............AND SEND IT TO PEOPLE...WE HAVE TO GET THIS INFORMATION OUT!)

Z

Who can't use a good laugh? enjoy!

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS
EMPLOYEES "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.
"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY
STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED
HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO,
HE SHOWS UP!"

FIRST TIME USHERS! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED
AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY
PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS
A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HA PPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS
GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD
MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS
FOREHEAD

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS
GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED,"I REMEMBER!!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Davie”?
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

Cute, huh? Z

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself............

Headlines on this date four years ago:

"Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops die in unarmored Humvees"

"Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times"

"Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, Ordinary Americans get the shaft"

Headlines Today:

"Historic Obama Inauguration will cost only $170 million"

"Obama Spends $170 million on inauguration; America Needs A Big Party"

"Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate"

"Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama Inauguration"

I don't know....just seems kind of strange to me, does it to you?

ya...I thought so.

AND, by the way? I just saw this and THIS STINKS...."The Obama administration asked retired Marine Gen. Anthony Zinni to be U.S. ambassador to Iraq but abruptly withdrew the appointment without explanation, Gen. Zinni said Tuesday.....Gen. Zinni said no explanation was given. "That kind of bothered me," he said. "I was told that I had it." That's WRONG. American governments shouldn't treat people like this.

UPDATE: Obama: Catastrophe coming if Congress doesn't act. Shame on him...just plain shame on him. We MUST start entertaining other ideas, Mr. Obama....most of America now thinks you are WRONG. Words like CATASTROPHE should be avoided......who in the world would hire or buy hearing that? Is that a jump start to an economy? (sorry the letters are SO big here; for some reason, I can't get them to be a normal size! I'm really not SCREAMING...this time!)

z

"WHY?"

"Why, Why, Why?"

Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient
funds" when they know there is not enough
money?

Why does someone believe you when you
say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death
by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his
chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble
bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not
on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string
a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it,
then put it down to give the vacuum one
more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those
enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and
someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do
we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right,
so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why
don't you watch where you're going?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to
catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something
else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house
as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law
jokes?

And a FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of
every four persons are suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then
it's you.

Z: Just thought we could use a laugh these days (these are not written by ME, by the way, though I'm guilty of quite a few of them! Particularly the refrigerator one).....I found them clever, I hope you did, too!

.

AARP EYE CHART

HOW TO BE CRUEL TO OLD GUYS.

HA! We can always use a little levity around here and I thought this was pretty funny! I hope you do, too!!

z

Presidential Luncheon....WHY?

All living Presidents had lunch. I can't help it. I'm writing what comes to my mind and I know some of you won't like it.... Tell me better comments...This could be FUN!

Sr. Bush: "Ya, Jeb's chompin' at the bit, Barack! Look out in 20012...we're IN!"

Jr. Bush: "They blame EVERYTHING on ME, Bill, and you skated by with Monica as a smoke screen....Man, it's TOUGH to be president when you don't own the media, believe me."

Clinton: "I am the King...I am TEFLON, or I WAS until Barack came on the horizon, there is no space material slick enough to describe THAT guy!! George..cheer up. Do you KNOW how much money I've made since my presidency was over? Man, get over to Saudi Arabia NOW and cut some deals. They tell you what to say and you get paid, TRY it!? And, you travel First Class, on them. Listen, it's the best gig going."

Carter: "Yes, I admit it. I hate Israel and I DO wish it would disappear. I'm a really good guy, though...why won't ANYBODY talk to me?"

Obama: To himself: 'I DID it. I'm HERE. But, man, I had NO idea the intel would be this brutal. There really IS terrorism? WHO KNEW? Wait till Ayers gets a load of THIS picture. I made the big time, pal, when you comin' by?'

Obama to Sr. Bush: "The Trilateral Commission and the Bilderberg Group? WHAT? You KIDDING? ONE WORLD WHAT?"

Ya. Now it's your turn!

z

Oh, what the hell........heck...........................whatever...

On a lighter note....I was telling our church organist yesterday that "Sometimes I say 'hell' at church, in the kitchen, or an office, in the gym, etc.......it slips out...'oh, what the hell.....!', etc. I try not to, but I slip sometimes." I added that 'hell' is a word in the Bible, so I rationalize that it's okay..

She said "Well, Z, as they say... 'Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh." Cracked me UP!

z

For all of you in snow!

I couldn't resist posting this adorable kitty in Germany playing in the snow! Talk about a photo that's full of life! Good luck to all of you with extreme weather today....We have lots of rain here in California... "Oh, the weather outside is frightful...but the fire is so delightful.." So, light a fire, and "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...!"

z

Americans With No Abilities Act...New Legislation...I did NOT WRITE THIS, but wish I HAD!

Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the *U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include *retail sales (72%), the *airline industry (68%), and *home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%). Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'

(*Z means no offense to postal workers (one of my favorite people is one....actually 2 because my postman is a great guy), airline employees, retail sales people, or home improvement warehouses.....not so fast there with the DMV...they have FAR too 'excellent a record in hiring the inept'!! Just thought this was kind of fun and hope you enjoyed it, too!)

z

Church Bulletin Out Takes.......enjoy!

Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters -- misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. Bring your husbands! It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn-singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin!

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance

Z: Things like these really do get typed...We had a typo in our church bulletin about 4 weeks ago I honestly can't publish here it was SO raunchy!

z

Our MEDALS are 'Made in China', too! Our athletes 'made them'!

81 MEDALS to date!! GO, USA!!
(Mr. Z's boycotting ..a little...not ME!)

THIS will cheer you up! It did ME!!! Enjoy....

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously !!!

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.So I called him 'Barney Fife'.He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care..... I came down town on the bus.

The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said 'OBAMA in '08.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

Thanks, PLS! xxx

I need a laugh, I don't know about you!

A good laugh to start off the week!!

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

I TOLD you the MEDIA MEDDLES!! Didn't I??

With his request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded. "And I need to get some
close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me, is . . You're NOT my flight instructor??!"

Need a Laugh? Enjoy!!

Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.
Sure enough a State Trooper pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs".
The Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bicycle already .. I need help"!

Z: A sidenote: I LOVE Calvin & Hobbes

Need a Laugh? 2nd of the weekly jokes on geeeeZ!

OKAY....a nice, short little joke to make up for the VERY long piece below which is VERY worth reading!

Enjoy!

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex". "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?