The War on Birds

I knew it was only a matter of time before the Republican Party declared war on Big Bird. You know what I’m referring to, right? The monstrously over-sized piñata with a person inside that, for some unexplained reason has captured the hearts and minds of the American left. Personally, I was never much impressed with Big Bird —but before you throw yourself from a one-story window, let me assure you that it is only a matter of preference. You see, Bugs Bunny was a friend of mine; Big Bird is no Bugs Bunny.

I suspect there is more to this assault than targeting a gangling fowl. I believe the underlying issue is this: an American ambassador lost his life because the United States government could not afford security, but our government can afford to pay the leftists at The Muppets Studio extraordinary sums of money to concoct foolishness.

Let’s hold off making the argument that Muppets materially assisted our children to grow into psychologically balanced adults, shall we? There is no evidence that any of that is true. In fact, the divorce rate quadrupled since the invention of Big Bird and, since the introduction of these “creatures,” our children have increased body tattoos and facial disfigurations by ten thousand percent. Great job, Jim Henson … way to go, Ernie.

Even worse, thousands of cartoonists are out of work and there’s no longer a demand for truly talented vocalists like Mel Blanc.

I seem to recall that Tim Allen once defined PBS as something women get once a month. Now, according to the screamers on the left, Public Broadcasting Service is too big to fail … and I suspect that the reason for this is that our government is spending tens of millions of dollars creating public service ads which air on PBS, reminding people to wash their hands after they use the restroom. One may recall that the same idiot who saddled us with the “Great Society” signed the Public Broadcasting Act into law. Let’s all give a shout out to Lyndon Johnson.

Now the fact is, when you begin to put all of these pieces together, you begin to understand why we are paying so much foreign aid to Belize. It is to prevent them from launching a successful invasion against the United States, and defeating us in less than a week because Jim Henson and Kermit have transformed most of our citizens into blithering idiots.

By the way, the emotional reaction to Mr. Romney’s notion that we defund PBS (because it isn't worth the cost of borrowing money from China to pay for it) illustrates the childishness of leftist politics. A sane society will concern itself with defeating any notion that unless we pump billions of dollars of taxpayer monies into an enterprise, it will simply collapse like Barack Obama’s ego following the first presidential debate.

—Mustang Sends