There's a little girl whose family I know very little. I see the mother when she picks her daughter up at the preschool where I volunteer.When I saw the woman this last week, she mentioned how much her daughter loves singing my songs and that 'she knows EVERY word and sings them frequently!'. She added "...but I can't CLAP!! If I clap Emily doesn't like it! I have to wait until she's finished with every song she wants to sing, and THEN she'll tell me I can clap!" I thought that was odd, but ...whatever.
Today, I complimented the mother on she pretty pink sundress she had on. "Oh, this is from Emily! She picked it out and her dad bought it, of course. She makes me wear it everywhere we go because she gave it to me. It's embarrassing to wear it so often, but...what can I do?"
What can you DO? I thought "How about telling her that you don't feel like wearing the lovely dress today, but maybe next time? How about telling Emily that you'd like to clap at the end of each song..?" I know. Emily will carry on if she tells her either of these things, right? Can't have that! (Boy, it sure never stopped MY MOTHER, right!?)
You might be thinking this is such a trivial thing to blog, but I felt moved to write about it because I don't think it's trivial....I think it's ENORMOUS. I think our children need to learn who's the parent. I think they need to learn DISAPPOINTMENT. I think it's odd if I sternly say a 3 1/2 yr old child's name in my classes because they're upsetting the group and they turn to me as if NO ONE has EVER said their name with the slightest amount of discipline in it. I think spoiling children is nothing new, but add this mother's "gee, can't do THAT, my 4 year old will be MAD at me!" attitude to the fact that our kids can't attend awards ceremonies in high school unless they won so their non-winning selves won't be hurt....and add that to the fact that so many schools don't let the young kids' games have scores but just change sides after 10 minutes....and you've got a generation of kids who don't know how to COPE!! How to LOSE! And, can we EVER really experience the joy of success if we never felt the feeling of losing or failing?
Am I being ridiculous? Isn't learning to lose with grace and dignity and a promise to yourself to do better next time and to strive for that, or being told "No" by your mother and learning to cope with that disappointment, or feeling the joy of winning because you lost last time...aren't those great things? Didn't America always champion those things before? Help me out here.... Tell me I'm wrong. I'd LOVE to be wrong. Thanks. If you agree with me on this, can we FIX IT?
z
40 comments:
Yes, I agree.
No, it cannot be fixed. Parenting is the most important job on earth but requires no formal certification. What kids need are loving, caring parents; they can pick up friends anywhere.
Oh my gosh Z, you are absolutely NOT wrong!
What is the matter with that mother in your article? One of the most important things a parent does, is establish that he/she is the boss. The one who makes the rules.
Children are not merely small people. They are children. They are not equipped mentally or emotionally to raise themselves or to make their own rules. And they're certainly not equipped to make rules for the parent.
Neither are parents meant to be friends to their children. They are meant to parent. To guide, to teach, and very important, to command respect.
That's love. That's caring enough to risk a child's tantrum, disappointment or tears, because if we as parents don't prepare them to be good, considerate people, and stable, responsible adults, who will?
The Mother in your story, is not respected by her child. Who does that child look to for guidance, when she's making the rules? She's running the house, making demands and the mother is doing what? Being a servant to what most likely is a spoiled brat, with no respect for her elders.
That's an old term I suppose, but it's too bad it is. When a parent has abdicated control of a four year old, she can't expect that when that four year old is fourteen, she is suddenly going to adhere to curfues, or limits the parents want her to obey. It's too late then.
And Mom will be saying things like, "but I gave her everything she wanted how can she treat me this way", as her daughter flies out the door telling her Mom, "you can't tell me what to do, it's my life"!
Parenthood can be hard work, and at the same time the most rewarding experience there is. It's fraught with responsibility, and filled with love. Nothing quite compares to it, and it's worth every moment. Moments which fly by all too quickly. We have to make them count.
Pris
I think you're right on. I have a first cousin whose 15 year old son has juvenile diabetes. He's always gotten his way. The doctor said he needs to wear a pump because his mother doesn't make him take care of himself. The kid said no. He's been in the hospital a half a dozen times since Christmas and this week he went back in when his sugar reached 500. The kid is the worst kid in the world. He calls his grandmother names and is such a total brat. It could cost him his life.
Z - You are absolutely right! I have 4 children and I see this happen all the time!
Just last night I took my 6 and 8 year old to a 3 hour high school musical production because their 14 year old sister was in it. I can't tell you how many people said to me "There is no way I could take my kids to something like that" using the excuse that they wouldn't sit still, be quiet, etc. THATS RUBBISH!!!!
If parents don't take their children to a high school play how will they learn how to act should they be blessed enough to go to a Broadway musical??
If we don't teach our children about competition how will they succeed in business? Because that's what the real world is about - competition! Work hard, set high expectations for yourself, know you will not always be the best but when you aren't learn from the person who is better than you. Don't just do 'what you have to do to get by' - do more, raise the bar, expect more from yourself and from others!
It maddens me to no end!
Then there is the "just give your kids birth control because they will have sex anyway". BULL!!!
PARENTS MUST SET HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR OUR CHILDREN. WE MUST EXPECT THEM TO SUCCEED AND WE MUST SHOW THEM HOW TO LOSE, GRACEFULLY, HUMBLY AND WITH A HEART TO LEARN.
Great point & post, Z. I agree. This is the Obama generation, & how we ended up with this mess at the helm of our country.
I agree, Z. There are just as many life lessons to be learned out of losing as there is out of winning. Also, what kids need and desperately beg for is fences. They WANT discipline and they want distinctive roles. When the fences are clearly marked and don't move then they are truly free to run and explore and also feel completely secure. Parents NEED to be parents first and foremost. Grandparents NEED to have authority and exercise that in love. My girls spend lots of time with their grandparents and with their aunt and uncle and they know that at their respective houses the adults are in charge and mom and dad agree with them. They ALSO know that they are loved which is the other side of the discipline coin. Never one without the other. One cannot exist in its truest form without the other.
z you are right it is troubling how so many parents seem to be raising their children from a standpoint of guilt! worrying they are "leaving their kid behind" if he or she isn't handled as though they are overly emotionally unstable. parents are not parenting out of an empowered direction. but that may be attributed to adults who have been raised by overbearing "power" parents. so they may be compensating for how they were brought up! who knows.. enough of my psychology lecture.. sorry.. he he!
Mustang, I agree...it's horrid to consider, but it absolutely cannot be fixed. This is a genie that can't fit back into the lamp, as if Barbara Eden blew up to 500 pounds.!
Priscilla...remember that UN Children's thing we looked at? That suggests that little children can decide their own destinies in 100 ways..scary, wasn't it? I still want to blog on that. My own mother used to say "My children had enough friends, they needed a mother" and she WAS a wonderful mother. And we respected her and Dad totally.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt them. That seems gone today somehow.
Sure, tantrums aren't fun in children, but if a parent lives through a few of them and handles them right, you might have got rid of a future 15 yr old tantrum leading to dangerous rebellion!
Elbro..what a perfect illustration there. I'm so sorry for that child.
I think you and PAT JENKINS hit on something I feel is behind lax parenting sometimes....broken homes. And moms who work full time.
They're TIRED when they get home! .easier to 'let things slide'..they're feeling guilty that the kid's other parents not there.......give in to the kid...etc.
Today's family is in tact, the one I described, but I believe I'm right on the guilt thing ...I've known mothers who had their children late, work full time, and told me "I know it's 10 pm , but if I don't let him stay up, I'll never see him" meanwhile, I'm looking for my purse, thinking "Man, I came for an adult evening of wine and good conversation, and i'm living through THIS screeching nightmare of a kid!?" And it's NOT THAT KID's FAULT!! he needs sleep...and his pooor teachers the next day have to handle a sleep deprived NUT!
Laretha..what a wonderful addition your comments are.
Sometimes I think we lost a lot of America when we forgot to teach little boys in particular to SIT IN CHURCH FOR AN HOUR with scratchy wool pants on, you know?
They LEARNED.
My parents took us to concerts, etc...it's not only for the music! One learns how to BEHAVE.
And, Dad took us OUT of a restaurant if we were crying too loudly as very young children..OUT, not to bother the rest of the diners. But, we sat quietly because we didn't want to be carried out!
David...I agree. This kind of spoiled child elected obama...he'll make it ALL BETTER (!)
Pat, your McKenzie seems fantastic !! (that's her name, right?)
Pops..the KEY THERE is "And they know we agree with whatever adult's they're with at any given time" YES! Consistency, respect, discipline, and BOUNDARIES.
Sort of like Christianity, Pops, you know? Secularists think Christians are SO RESTRICTED with RULES and can't relax, be loose, etc! When, in reality, it's the opposite..there's a freedom in knowing JUST where those guidelines and boundaries are..bliss!
I wish you people were lecturing to upcoming parents!!
I think it's odd if I sternly say a 3 1/2 yr old child's name in my classes because they're upsetting the group and they turn to me as if NO ONE has EVER said their name with the slightest amount of discipline in it.
This trend has been running apace for at least 20 years. I ran into the trend even when I worked in a private school, one which had long had the reputation for not coddling students but rather encouraging them to deal with "life's little knocks."
As I recall, the sea change I'm speaking off was fully in place in the school in 1985, some 10 years after I had started working there. The trend had appeared in the public schools even earlier, particularly in the "whining," ritzy McLean district.
WE can't fix it, only each child's parents can -- with a change in attitude, one that emphasizes consequences for mistakes and misbehavior.
Z,
I agree with your post. Did you think otherwise? When I was a kid I sat in classrooms with 45-50 kids in each with no air conditioning. We behaved because we were made to. I'm sure the nun's patience was tried to the Nth degree, but we behaved.
I served masses in Latin. I learned the language and in those hot robes. Why? Because my parents told me to.
The self-esteem movement in our society has caused us to be accepting of less than our best effort. Everything's OK because we're all the same. Nobody wins and nobody loses. Kumbaya.
Always....great input...Yes, WE cannot fix it, you're right.
But WE can try to change attitudes...
I just don't think it'll work.
The left has got our hands behind our backs. Political correctness rules and if you dare criticize or discipline a child, you're mean, nasty and should be arrested.
Even the parents can be turned in by kids these days, you know that. And, maybe some SHOULD!
But........
L&O...do YOU think we can fix this trend? Are we raising AMERICAN SOLDIERS AND STATESMEN? nooooooooo
was this purposeful on the part of Marxists who came into our universities and taught teachers the 'new rules' to weaken us and put political correctness first?
Remember SHAME? I think we could do with a good hefty dose of that again, but even the word's been SO demonized......GUILT? YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL GUILT..no SHAME..."I'm okay, YOU'RE OKAY!" No matter WHAT you do!! Remember? Oh, brother.
"I think it's ENORMOUS. I think our children need to learn who's the parent. I think they need to learn DISAPPOINTMENT"
I agree. This screws kids up.
Morgan
Papa Frank is right, we learn as much or more from losing than winning. Ecclesiastes 7:2 makes the point that it is better to go to a house where a person has died than to a feast since we all will die & we need to learn to understand what life is all about before it's too late! Or, in a nutshell, learn from the hardships of life rather than go through life looking for the easy way out.
Uh-oh! I think I just stepped on & crushed my own toes!
Z, you are dead on. I see this all of the time at work, children ruling over their parents. My wife and I have a very good relationship with our kids, we have developed a friendship with them over the years. We even like a lot of the same music, movies, etc. But it has always been clear who the parents are. There have been rules and they have been followed.
As far as learning from losing. My oldest son probably has a genius IQ. He is in tenth grade and has gotten a 4.0 his entire time. He tutors kids older than him. The point is that things come too easy for him. He started playing track last year doing the shotput and discus. He is not very good yet and talked about not doing it again this year because he was discouraged. I told him he needed to because it was good for him to have something he had to work for. It teaches him a more valuable lesson than he would learn in a class room. He has agreed and has worked in the off-season to get ready.
I think these lefties really think the world would be better off if the US was weaker and on par with the rest of the world. They believe that a strong, dominant US is bad for the kumbaya factor.
They want one world where everyone is the same, there are no lead countries and everyone shares the wealth. Sounds like BO doesn't it?
Socialism and communism is a demonstrable historic failure. Why they keep trying it is a monument to the vacuousness of the human mind. They keep searching for a perfect world and refuse to accept that it isn't possible in a world populated by imperfect humans.
Kind of like Charlie Brown. He always thought Lucy wouldn't pull the football away. He was disappointed each time. So it is with the lefties.
Chuck, you're doing the right thing with your boy. Scholastics have come 'easy' to him, apparently...let him know what striving feels like...whether he succeeds or doesn't, it's ALL GOOD, just that experience is GOOD.
L&O...I've thought that for a year or so... It's apparent to me that our kids in universities have learned that America is wrong for having had power all these years, that NO country DESERVES this kind of power, that others are poor, so "WHO ARE WE?" It's a very terrible mistake, one we may never recover from, especially once another power's become superior.
The Left thinks the world's all kind (except us, of course), and they'll all step aside for this ONE WORLD ORDER Soros, Trilaterals and Bilderburgers apparently are pining for (you'd freak if you saw who's IN the Trilateral commission....this is NOT an all Democrat group)...... But, human nature doesn't work that way.
I'd suggest conservative professors ask their students "So, when obama's through with ramming America into the GROUND, which country would you LIKE to be the BIG POWER over us? INDIA? CHINA? RUSSIA? IRAN? THE EMIRATES? You pick"
I wonder what they'd say.
Great post, Z!
Pat's comments hit the nail on the head.
I think a lot of my peers try to go in the opposite direction that our parents went in...or not make the same "mistakes". Well, we just need to realize that ALL parents make mistakes. ALL kids are screwed up to a certain extent, it's the human condition.
However, if we don't teach them some degree of respect for authority, we are doing our children no favors.
For some odd reason (smile) my youngest daughter doesn't like to hear me sing. Guess what? I just keeeeeep on singin'. :0) She'll get used to my singing a lot quicker than I'll get used to being bossed around by a two year old.
Z: You are correct. Mustang (et. al.)is correct, too...it cannot be fixed.
Parents have decided to insulate their children from anything that henders their getting their own way, even at the expense of others.
There used to be a picture in my dinette area of a mother hen speaking to her brood, saying, "Because I'm the Mama...that's why!"
Where did that attitude go?
Isn't it interesting that in this pro-death (abortion) society--it has become a child dominated society? Hmmm- Must think on this some more!
Z,
WE can try to change attitudes...
I just don't think it'll work.
I can say from experience that it will not work. Now, years down the line, some of the parents and even their children thanked me for my "tough love." But at the time I was persona non grata and nearly got fired because I wouldn't continue to do damaging coddling.
BTW, the parents with whom I work now spend a lot of time observing me in the classroom. Well, most of them do, and they are totally supporting of my teaching style. The ones who rely only on the rumors about me get upset and think I'm mean. Oh, well.
Looks like you've reached a consensus. As for fixing it... My wife and I understood long ago that we could only raise our own children, but hopefully our example would have an impact with someeone, somewhere. Fixing a generation is a tall order indeed. The messiah-in-chief says he has that covered.
great job Z, keep up the great work.
We need more people like you..
You're right Z. Too many parents are wimps.
Z, you are spot on as usual.
I think the main issue with the parent/child relationship is: the parent is trying to be their childs friend. I'm sorry, but the last time I checked the Bible didn't ever tell me to be my child's friend. Isn't this the book which gave us and gives us the instructions on training our children?
This problem didn't just start, I saw this coming along time ago when my youngest sister who is 14 years my junior was coming up and how the schools as well as my mother started softening toward discipline.
I have a child in college and one graduating from HS this year and they still aren't my friends and will never get to that level, I'm DAD and that's the way it is.
I totally agree with Papa Frank, children want and need DEFINED BOUNDRIES which never move. Once you move one boundry for them it starts a downhill journey that is almost impossible to stop.
Blessings.
Here's the rule in our house:
You openly rebel...your going to get punished and suffer any consequences.
You do something childish...you clean it up.
Example of childishness:
The kid is running around the house playing. He knocks over a plant.
He cleans it up.
Openly rebels:
You tell him to quit running around the house and he knocks over a plant.
He gets punished and he cleans up the plant.
ElBro: I came up under those type rules, but they were a little more should I say demonstrative. i.e. 'you rebelled openly; you were dealt with openly.' 'you acted childish, you were shown just how much of child you were.'
The scripture says over Proverbs that 'foolishness is bound in the heart of a child but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him' Prov. 22:15
Blessings.
I went to see a Disney film with my kids and a couple of friends and their kids some years ago. My friends kids ran up and down the aisles, climbed all over the chairs, talked loudly etc...The Mother just hid her face in embarrassment and the Father pretended to be oblivious. Other people in the theater were getting upset and the unruly behavior was starting to spread to other children. I tried saying something to my friends but they just shrugged their shoulders and said "she doesn't listen".
I expect kids to test their limits, but I was really shocked by the parents, held at bay by a 4yo girl.
Kevin, you know I see this type of thing all the time and mostly in the grocery stores.
Sometimes I feel like asking the parent did they want me to help them out.
Parents should be embarrassed by their unruly children.
Blessings.
Don't most of you remember "THE LOOK"? The parent's LOOK that stopped you in your tracks?
And, somehow, we didn't need to be beaten to a pulp to understand THE LOOK!!!
Remember when it would break your heart to disappoint your parent by misbehaving? How you'd be so sorry?
What HAPPENED to those days?
I guess when parents are living lives the children can't respect, they won't get the respect. Sadly, I'm quite sure there are at least 2 generations who don't know better.
Kevin, your story is staggering and not unusual.
Everybody, I came up with this saying a few years back and I think it's true: "You must NEVER spoil your children because you can NEVER make it up to them."
I think I'm right. Think about it, guys!
I.H.S..."embarrassed" "Shamed"...emotions we've allowed to slip out of our culture because the Left didn't want anybody to feel BADLY for even a second! You know?
I'm getting surer by the day that the permissive, non-judgmental society the left champions is murder for any society.
Not only Dr Zuess but Dr. Spock,too.
Blessings.
You took the words right out of my mouth. Children do not know who's the parent. I see this all the time children telling the parents what they want. It comes back to hunt them later. Parents have installed in the childs mind that anything they want to do is OK, no problem, I'll see if I can get it for you. Even in school no teacher wants to embarrass a student so they just cutup during class and think its FINE. A quick tap on the butt with a leather strap can bring some respect and order back.
I should like to note that our entire society has become accommodating to miscreant behavior. Parents and schools in particular are chock full of do-over’s. If a student fails a test, most schools now assert the student’s “right” to re-test. The message here is, “No, you don’t have to study for the test unless you fail it.” There are a thousand other examples, including among schools and parents who claim to be “zero tolerant” of misbehavior. A male student grabs a female student’s bottle of perfume out of her purse, and then squirts it into her eyes. She goes to the nurse, and the male student’s parents rant about the teacher who gave him a disciplinary referral. One male student picks up a desk and clobbers another male student (assault and battery), and the offender goes to “in school suspension” for two days because well, he wasn’t taking his Ridallin.
It isn’t difficult to extrapolate the out of control four-year-old into more serious/criminal behavior later on. And when authorities arrest the teenager for shoplifting, “teen court” assigns him or her “community service.”
Of course, the parent who is a proper disciplinarian stands a good chance of little Becky going to the school counselor complaining about how abusive her parents are . . . which opens the parents up for a full scale investigation by local and state authorities. Our socialist society assumes that the state can raise children better than parents; there is no other explanation for government asserting itself into the home. Naturally, the government never assumes responsibility for the damage they do by interfering.
Anyone with brains will remain childless.
Yes, Dr. SPOCK. I LOVE Dr. Seuss!!
Mustang, you said 'Our socialist society assumes that the state can raise children better than parents; there is no other explanation for government asserting itself into the home."
Have you seen the protocols from the UN on Children? (read at your own risk of future insanity!!!):
Article 1, #2:
States Parties shall take all appropriate measures to ensure that the child is protected against all forms of discrimination or punishment on the basis of the status, activities, expressed opinions, or beliefs of the child's parents, legal guardians, or family members.
Hillary is being prodded to SIGN.
I read through the whole thing (Priscilla sent it to me) and made notes. I may blog on it soon...it's a huge thing and I want people to WAKE UP! But, I don't believe it'll help, so I'll probably skip it!
'you rebelled openly; you were dealt with openly.' 'you acted childish, you were shown just how much of child you were.'
that could be part of the punishment...
and I've found children respond to different types of discipline
my oldest daughter...didn't seem to mind getting corporal punishment...had to tailor her discipline so that she learned
youngest child...
we always prayed before corporal punishment was administered...
let's just say...he could petition God for a long time
Man, do I feel stupid. I must of had a brain fart! I meant to say Dr. Spock, not Dr. Seuss. I mean, come on, no spankings when they really deserve it? Neither of my kids got more than 5 or 6 all those years growing up, after they knew what they might get, just a stern voice was sufficient. They both turned out great!
Of course, you are totally correct. I see this so much when I visit the US. It is frightening to see children who expect the world and everyone in it to be at their very beck and call.
My last daughter, now 14, was born in the US and I was visited at home a few days later by a social worker from the state to see if our home was ready for the baby. Scary weird to me!
But while the lady was giving me her 'sermon', my 3yr old daughter came in and wanted to wear her new church shoes outside to play. I told her no, they were for Sundays. When she sat on the floor and cried. I told her she would not be allowed to go outside and play after all and picked her up, carried her to her room and made her stay on her bed.
When I returned, the social worker sternly informed me there was no reason why my child should not wear whatever shoes she wished, when ever she wanted.
I asked her if she would be willing to pay to replace her church shoes every Sunday.
Later, it came out in conversation, that she only had one child(I had 6 in my home at this time) and her teenage daughter was already an alcoholic and the poor child was in rehab!
I could not help but wonder , what if mommy had not given in to every little whim? Maybe she would have developed into a happy disciplined young adult.
Sorry so long!
Elbro, that's a good point; Each child is different..and that SOME discipline is necessary for ALL!
Average....I knew that's what you meant! And I"m glad your kids turned out great! Remember when all we needed to get was THE LOOK from our folks and we SHAPED UP!!?
Jungle MOm...not 'too long'...heck, I leave comments where I think they're so long I should have attached an image and called it a POST (Smile!)! Sometimes we all have a lot to say.
You sure did here..I can't believe social workers came to do that!
VERY sad about the social worker's child. I wonder if she left your house that day wondering what YOU had thought "If only I had..."
I doubt it.
Yes, I remember : THE LOOK.
I also remember my mother carrying a ruler in her purse.
Well, it was not for measuring odd objects, I can assure you.
For the past few months, I and a fellow member of a certain patriotic organization have been entering elementary schools , going into kindergarten classes and sometimes first grade classes.
We give a program on the pledge to the flag of the USA.
Something that has stunned me is seeing classrooms, with maybe 20 kids and all these teacher aides.
Yes, I have heard all the arguements about kids needing the one on one instruction, but all these aides?
Know what I have seen?
Lots of these women, sitting around holding these kids on their laps, babying them.
School should be about learning and getting prepared for the real world.
Anyhow I have seen the types of things Z has described, which prompted her to write this article.
No.We cannot fix this. Only parents can do what they need to do.
Be grown ups, stop letting children run things, Please.
We have one in the whitehouse right now, and that is a disaster.
WVDOTTR
WV...thanks for your work with those kids. It's so sad to see how adults are ruining children today in the guise of love and confidence building.
We've made a country of WUSSES ... I fear there's no fixing it.
Boys aren't soldier material, girls aren't mother material.....and, if they are, there aren't enough LIKE them to continue this great country.
Maybe obama's just what we need now. Boy, is THAT a sickening thought.
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