Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Knives now forbidden

President Barack Obama has signed into being the NO MORE KNIVES LAW.  He felt he did not need Congress's approval on this because he usually doesn't.  

Because of the terrible incident in the Pennsylvania High School, where 20 students were stabbed, some critically, all knives are now banned.  Parents are up at arms because they feel some knife incidents seriously wounding people don't mean all knives should be banned.  Others, more liberal Pennsylvania folks, feel all knives should be banned because, after all, if it could happen once, it could happen again and, "Knives kill, people don't kill."

Make sure that you don't allow anybody near your cutlery drawers in your kitchen because you'll have to invoke "stand your ground laws" and most states don't have that and then you'll be in big trouble.  Also, at your dinner parties, you will have to serve soft foods that don't need cutting.  You will now have to eat your peas with your fork because that pushing knife you used will be collected with your other carving knives, eating knives and letter openers.  Scissors are suspected to be next on the government's list of weapons they will be collecting.  It is suspected that a large Naval ship will be made from all the millions of tons of metal the government will have after collecting all our knives.  It is scheduled to be named the SS BARACK OBAMA.   And the motto will be "Thar he blows."

There is no way of assuring our country that the criminals will also be turning in their knives, but we just have to count on Mr. Obama and his peoples' promises that once none of us have guns, we'll be safer.   um.......  Well, that's what he says.

Because this wasn't a shooting, the coverage is significantly, truly significantly, less on television and other media, but knives apparently aren't as dangerous...well, they can be, but........well.

Psychologists on the scene are already explaining that something happened in the suspect's life when he was four years old which pushed him to stab 20 people today.  We will hear hour upon hour on the reasons for his having done these horrific slashings even though "knives kill, people don't."  

Everyone from second cousins twice removed of the school safety guard who quit two years to the ex wife of the adult who was stabbed will be interviewed for what they think.  We will be on this so you will miss nothing.   It is suspected that many zealous meat eaters who feel they must have their knives will be buying up Oneida cutlery at a record pace.

This is Z, reporting from Franklin Regional High School. 



Constitutional Insurgent said...

Well said. Satirical, yet so close to the truth.

Ducky's here said...

Hmmm, none dead.

If he'd been armed like the Newtown killer it would have been so much less tragic.

Constitutional Insurgent said...

Well, I'm sure that there are some activist Mommies Demanding Attention....who wish it had been committed with a they could bleat about scary looking black rifles that they can't define their name for.

Z said...

CI: that's the WHOLE POINT, isn't it.
And yes, 'satirical' (was kind of fun writing it even though it's such a tragedy)..thanks.

Seriously said...

Why don't we just make killing people illegal. problem solved! Oh,we've done this already?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another day another killing in the headlines!

I think it's all the First Wookies fault. For Banning suga drinks.

Kid said...

Nice Job Z !

If only, as the female moron administrator of Newtown school suggested "if they only had protective film on the windows, this wouldn't have happened." Yes, Really.

Did you see the late breaking news that clubs, bats, nails, spike heels and long fingernails on ladies will also be banned?

In even more interesting news, Duck is going to be appearing in a film at Northwestern University...

Z said...

Kid, I'm dying to post that Northwestern U piece but...well...:-0
And I doubt Ducky'd be starring in it!!??

And yes, we have a woman now who's awaiting sentencing for hitting her boyfriend 25 times and killing him with a stiletto heel! She really needed orthotics. If most women wore shoes THAT high, we'd have a lot MORE killings :)

Kid said...

Z, Mum's the word. :)

The last I read on the shoe 'stabbing', she actually had flat heels not the other kind. fwiw.

I do maintain that high heels and bras create friction for the ladies and makes them more stressed. Some of them anyway. They scare me, what can I say.

Ed Bonderenka said...

That first line had me going for a minute,

Z said...

Kid, they were stilettos...I've seen them on the courtroom video! FLAT?? Are you joking?!! :-)

Ed....lately, several of us have read THE most absurd things and thought they were true! You're not alone. I think our world's crashing so far to the left and so ridiculously 'out there' that we just figure nothing's "just plain too weird" not to be real!
Sad, isn't it.

Sam Huntington said...

I heard that the kid who did the stabbing was one of the Tsarnaev brothers and a registered leftist.

Bob said...

I think we are now getting to the point where we are looking at mental illness as the driver for these attacks.

Almost anything can be used as a weapon, and there are a heck of alot more knives and ice picks than guns.

Mental illness profiling and metal detectors will be the new rage.

Then, we sill see the toothbrush shivs. What will be next?

Z said...

Bob, that's spooky!

Kid said...

Z, libtards have hamstrung the mental illness professionals. Why? Self preservation.

Z said...

Should this happen anywhere in the world, they will count on us to help. Of course, we can't, financially, anymore.
When this happens to us, it's not in the lexicon of Europeans and Asians to rush to assistance, nor is a possibility for them financially.

My German Mr Z used to frequently comment about Americans astonishing generosity to tragedies within our borders and in Europe or Asia.

The world will miss us. They just don't know it yet.
As usual, we'll just have to muddle along on our own.