Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Americans With No Abilities Act...New Legislation...I did NOT WRITE THIS, but wish I HAD!


Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the *U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the Inept include *retail sales (72%), the *airline industry (68%), and *home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%). Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.

The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.'


(*Z means no offense to postal workers (one of my favorite people is one....actually 2 because my postman is a great guy), airline employees, retail sales people, or home improvement warehouses.....not so fast there with the DMV...they have FAR too 'excellent a record in hiring the inept'!! Just thought this was kind of fun and hope you enjoyed it, too!)

z

29 comments:

MK said...

Phew!

Ya had me for a while there Z, i'm serious when i say i wouldn't be surprised if the left actually proposed some crap like this. And you all know you can't put it past them.

Misfit410 said...

What is sad is I'm reading it knowing it's a joke, but at the same time in the back of my head I'm thinking.. keep reading, Obama just won, you never know....

FJ said...

Isn't that what government's for, hiring the inept?

Angie said...

Man. I almost stopped reading out of disgust. What a sad state of affairs we must be in for me to actually take this article seriously. But it was brilliant. If it's ok, I was going to email this to some friends. Once I knew it was a joke I had a good laugh. Of course if something like this should come to pass, I would be crying not laughing.

Christopher Hamilton said...

Wow.

Don't you EVER, EVER scare me like that again Z. :)

Elmers Brother said...

Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

I thought this was serious at first.

As you know I am a skilled worker who works for the government and one of my gripes are the unskilled who make the same or more than I do.

What did I go to school for?

CJ said...

"Simply because they have some idea of what they are doing" is the point where I recognized it's a joke, but as others have said here, it's all too easy to believe. Hilarious. So well written.

Brooke said...

Bwaahaahaaaa!!! A non-abled person. :)

Gayle said...

Dang, woman! I did take this seriously! Now that does show what bad shape we're in, doesn't it?

"Her inability to remember 'righty-tighty, lefty-loosy'"! LOL!

I really wouldn't put something like this past the far left.

Ducky's here said...

Exhibit A : Sarah Palin

cube said...

It really sounds like something the left would come up with. Really.

Beach Girl said...

Hey, already been there; done that! It's sometimes called "affirmative action" where people - some qualified, some not - are hired first on ethnicity, next on handicap status, and last by gender. (Companies DO get EEOC points for the respective employees who fall into these categories. I know this for a fact.)

Other workers - white men - are legally discriminated against by the same criteria in reverse order. So, even a wonderful light-hearted post rings true.

And then we have Babs Boxer, San Fran Nan, Dicey Harry, and Turban Durbin - all classic examples of the AWnAA at its very best. Turban Durbin is so traitorous that he trashed our military right there on the Senate floor to be beamed in real time for the DC Al Jezeera station right up the street from Capitol Hill "live" all around the world.

From news about the Big Three auto makers - based on their deals with the UAW - the AWNAA is already in effect and that is why they are failing.

Loved the post; no it is a joke; but it already exists in a variety of forms. That is the pity of it all.

American do not thrive on being wards of the Democrats; Americans wither and die over time yet the Democrats still keep fostering government dependence.

Good post! Hope you are not monitored by the Congress or we'll see this bill in the works soon...

(Z - left you a comment at my blog. I grieve too...)

Beach Girl said...

Sorry for error. In line: Love the post; 'no' should be "know" but you know that. :)

Anonymous said...

The AWNAA might well be necessary as a job security measure for these people in both houses of congress - 95% on both sides of the aisle.

Mr.Z

shoprat said...

There are probably a dozen liberal activists carefully studying this document for future use.

Z said...

Thanks for all your comments..good stuff!

Elbro, I was thinking how smart you were and so well trained and how this SO doesn't apply to you or many other good workers....

This had ME going as I read it, too...and

CJ...I realized it was phony at the spot you did!

MrZ and Shoprat....right!

Ducky, you just have to stop buying into the media's misrepresentations! The media's so in overdrive that most dopy obama voters thought the Republicans have been in charge of congress for the last 2 years! (you did see that video, no? Or are you that sadly uninformed?) Sure, they know things are lousy and think "Must be the Republicans!" But, of course, it's wrong..again.
You should be less slamming people you know little about, or have bought into the lies about, and more into trying to figure out how your side can help clean up their mess with the dishonest media they've created. So sad. This is America....we don't deserve it. Oh, by the way...that guy Martin Eisenstadt, who said the terrible things about Sarah? He was a liberal stooge...he doesn't exist. Surely, you'd heard that, too?

No, probably not.

Elmers Brother said...

Exhibit B: Barack Obama

Anonymous said...

Sign me up for the nightmare club. My feelings exactly, Misfit.

I didn't know whether to laugh or scream.


Of course when Ducky read it, he probably thought, "it's about time"!

Pris

Law and Order Teacher said...

Z,
Thanks. That was a good laugh. The lefty loosey, righty tighty was a belly laugh. Sometimes after a hard day just the right thing comes along to give me a laugh. Thanks for the humor. I hope.

WomanHonorThyself said...

lol..left wing lunacy Z!

Chuck said...

Z, knowing you and reading your blogs for months, I caught this as a joke pretty quickly but I agree with many here in that it is a measure of our society and Congress in particular that I would have, even for a minute, wondered if this is true.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious!

Morgan

Beamish said...

Reminds me of one of my favorite humor books - The Peter Principle: Why Things Always Go Wrong which posits that in a heirarchical organization, employees rise to their level of incompetence, and all work is performed by those who have not yet risen beyond their level of competence.

The Dilbert Principle explains how people that lack any competence whatsoever get upper management jobs.

Papa Frank said...

Isn't this group of people just called Congress?

Anonymous said...

Ducky,

Palin is dumb. W was dumb. Quayle was dumb. Reagan was dumb. Ford, Eisenhower, Coolidge. Only for liberals does calling the opposition dumb pass as a cogent argument.

--Tio Bowser

Z said...

Good one, Tio...

and Papa...exactly!

Anonymous said...

Actually, Beamish, the Peter principle is a crude reality, not a joke (and I know you don't mean it that way) - I have seen it over and over again in companies. This is why we used to call the central organizations of larger companies "Elephant cemetery". Sometimes you wonder how people get promoted to their level of incompetence - has enticed me to leave a company more than once.

Same is true for politicians who use their position as a safeguard from private enterprise because they couldn't get anywhere. Just think about it: People who couldn't make in a real job are the ones making the rules for the country?? That is the reality. Pfui Teufel.

Mr.Z

Average American said...

Why in Hell are they going to do that for? Leave those dummies on Welfare, it's the lessor of two evils. At least they won't screw everything up even worse than it already is! Damned leftards! If it ain't broke, don't fix it!









Whoops! Was this whole thing a joke? My bad.









Just kidding. Good stuff Z.

benning said...

How is this different from 'real' Leftist law-making?

Yeesh!

:D