Monday, November 17, 2008

My Gay Cousin


You'd have liked him. He was at least twenty years older than I am, and really not a cousin, but in my family, when someone's family's been close to another family for years and years, they get 'family names'. We call the older ladies in those close families "Auntie", for example. You probably have that kind of thing in your family, too, right? Something we've lost in America these days is that kind of respect, but some of us remember, I'll bet. Funny....but I just remembered, his mother was one of those dear ladies we never did refer to as "Auntie"....she was always "Mrs. X...." because she was SO dignified, so sort of 'regal', as well as respected. But, she was every bit as close to me as those "Aunties". When she died, she left everything to her family members....and to me. 3 sterling silver bracelets for me...because I'd loved her and respected her enough to visit her in the old age home she'd been moved to in the last few months of her life. I never, ever wear those bracelets without thinking of MRS. X.

Back to my cousin. He was probably gay. We think. He never talked about it, he never complained about it, he was just a wonderful man, period. He loved the arts, supported young musicians, and sang quite well, too. He was very involved with his church and very much loved by all he knew there. He had a friend whose name I'll also leave out for privacy sake. He was dignified, kind and fun. My cousin brought him to various concerts and banquets, and we all liked them both, though we didn't see the friend too often...he knew when to bring him and when it might not be the best idea. And I'm sure my cousin didn't mind.

This wonderful cousin had a large and loving family and was very good to them in every way....he also cared very much for his friends. He owned an 'ethnic' delicacy/food store, having inherited it from Mr and Mrs X, and worked there all his life, hiring Mexicans once other family members had retired and he was in full charge. When he died very unexpectedly, the Mexicans who worked there adored him so much for his kindness and thoughtfulness to him all those years that they were offered the purchase of the place and they did buy it. I don't know the business details, but that's what I do know. They also supplied the funeral dinner and a recent memorial dinner, on the anniversary of his passing. They supplied it. On them. They loved him that much. They are thriving in this business now. An 'ethnic' specialty store owned by an American-born fellow now owned and run by Mexicans, quite beautifully. The wave of the future? I don't know. But, if it is, I'd say this is a positive wave. A nicer, more productive, family-oriented bunch you couldn't find. And oh, do they appreciate the opportunity their ex-boss and America offered them!

My cousin never marched in a gay parade, he never wore effeminate clothing, he never held his friend's hand in public. As far as I know, he never held his hand in private...how do I KNOW? But, the talk, kind and adoring in spite of the subject, was that he and his friend were 'close'.

With my cousin, it was his spirit, his kindness, and his caring, which will remain in our hearts. I was reminded of him yesterday, when my mother said "You know, I missed getting X's call today......it reminded me of how much I miss him and how good a man he was........with these fires, he'd have called and asked if I was safe. He always called me if there was the slightest thought that something might be amiss with me or my neighborhood..."

That was my cousin. I think he probably took more pleasure in giving me the 3 silver bracelets from his mother than he did being left her estate. He'd been touched that I'd gone to visit her, but really, that was for ME. I loved her and took a lot of pleasure in seeing how much she appreciated my visits.

He lived his life as the man he was, never wearing his preference on his sleeve, always there for us, always respectable, always his very dignified and happy self. Another thing that reminded me of him today is this article at my buddy Clark's blog. It's a piece by another very dignified American, a gay cop commenting on the terrible way other gays are reacting since Prop 8 passed in California. I recommend you read it.

Let's remember that not all gays are unfulfilled, in-your-face, mean, angry or violent...or anti Christianity. For my cousin's sake. Thanks.

z

23 comments:

shoprat said...

There is one in my family and I love him very much, but I don't approve of one thing about him. You don't have to agree with or give 100% approval to love and appreciate someone. Sometimes loving them requires you to wish something about them wasn't so.

Z said...

I couldn't agree more, Shoprat...I don't agree but I sure did love this guy!

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

Imagine that. Isn't that what this nation, this entire planet needs more of today today instead of rampant narcissism?

Just a touch more HUMILITY?

BZ

Frasypoo said...

Brought my husbands cousin to mind.
He moved to Las Vegas and kept in touch with only my husband and his parents and the last thing we heard was that he died.His friends said that he died of cancer and no one knew about it.
It was sad to think of him dying with no family around him.We would have gone if we had known.

Rita Loca said...

What is so obvious here is that your cousin was respectful of the opinions of others and thus was granted the same respect. None of us should flaunt our 'intimate personal lives' in parades and such.

Tom said...

I have a cousin that is gay, but she never has pushed it with the rest of the family. We accept her for her, and do not treat her differently. And we couldn't anyway - she's an Illinois State Trooper...

Anonymous said...

Hi Z
On the topic of church.The holier than thou dont usually go to Bible Study,they try to handle the various childrens choir etc.Somewhere they can boss people around.
The Chick fil a family go to our church and the wannabes try to hang around them and try to be like them whereas the Cathy family is a very down to earth humble bunch.
Its basically put-your-money-where-your mouth is !
Class doe show.
frasypoo

Anonymous said...

I agree with jungle mom too.I think public affection is so crass,I mean the kind where one is all over the other and its crass with who ever,homo or heterosexuals
frasypoo

Z said...

BZ..that 'touch of humility' for America is A BIT Obama-esque (he can't WAIT till we're HUMBLED, right?) but I know you meant something very different, and you are right!

Frasypoo, thanks for answering my question about your church; i had a feeling you'd answer that way about them not coming to bible study..hmmm

Tom...STATE TROOPER! You accept and you SALUTE! (Smile)

And correct...no flaunting..sex is private. imho

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this post, Z!!

I have gay friends and gay relatives.

Can you take one guess who I sit next to at EVERY family gathering???

;-)

Like I said, the people who you can love and who love you back tend to not judge. It's simply not my job to judge. It's God's job. I'll leave it to him. It's my job to love.

Papa Frank said...

I'm with Pinky. I have a good friend at work that comes to mind here. We have several interests in common, mostly concerning our love of the outdoors and camping. Somehow those of us on the right get painted with a very broad brush of being intolerant while most of us just have a much better understanding of where things should be filed in the realm of personal life vs. politics. People seem to think that a sexual preference is who someone is instead of a choice that they make. Love and respect for someone is far different than love and respect for their choices.

Chuck said...

I'm with Jungle Mom, I'm not a fan of public display by anyone. I'm don't agree with the gay lifestyle but at the end of the day, I really could care less.

miradena said...

Hi Z- "Relatively" speaking, my Italian heritage gives me the benefit of lots of "family" - (inexplicably related but none-the-less loved). I hope you won't mind the posting of a prayer below. It seemed to me appropriate - if not a timely reminder.

Prayer for Tolerance- Voltaire (18th Century)
"O! Thou God of all beings,
of all worlds, and of all times,
We pray, that the little differences in our clothes, in our inadequate languages,
in our ridiculous customs, in our imperfect laws, in our illogical opinions, in our ranks and conditions which are so disproportionately important to us and so meaningless to you,
that these small variations that distinguish those atoms that we call men, one from another, may not be signals of hatred and persecution."

Z said...

all good comments, thanks.

Miradena, excellent prayer, thank you so much..

You see, folks....I see it like this: Sexuality is private..or should be.
We would all be far, far better off it were back in the closet; straight immoral/debauched sex, too (TV, films..everybody has sex on the first date, in the back of the bus, under the school desk, under the parents' dining table, etc etc....you know what I'm talking about..soap operas, etc etc)....

I'm TIRED of hearing how "it sells"....it sells because it's THERE to be bought.
2000 years of decency and suddenly everyone's drinking some weird water that makes us want to lead immoral lives (I know, the lefties will ask WHAT IS IMMORAL AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY? which is BIG part of the problem, by the way)??? How did that HAPPEN?...Ya, suddenly you and your neighbor and I all want to see desperate wives doing their gardener, right? WRONG.

Straight/ gay/ live your life. DO it in private.
Straights marry, gays don't. Nobody's rights are invaded; gays can get all the rights they want with each other through a lawyer; they know that, the media's not told you that.

Nobody hates anybody because of their sexual preference! WHY would we? Nobody's marriage is threatened by gay couples! HOW? (that's a leftwing myth..an Alinsky Rule which says to put words in the enemy's mouth)

Anybody see THE QUIET MAN? Everybody keeps their clothes on, no F words in the whole 2 hours (imagine?), the couple is in LOVE (ya, LOVE before sex..GO FIGURE! remember?) and that film is one of THE hottest movies going.......there are scenes in there that are SO beautiful and SO sexy and SO evocative and make our imaginations go......THAT is sexy, THAT is great story telling.....
Not what we have today...not like films that make sex less than beautiful, even make it hackneyed......how exciting is THAT?

anybody agree? If you want to disagree, fire away...I like conversations about this stuff......as you know!

Joubert said...

Z, this was a treat to read just before going to bed. Thank you. Everyone in my family knew that I was a "bit different." In the "let it all hang out" 60s it was very tempting to come right out and say, "I'm gay" and I did but it was a mistake because it is arrogant to assume that anyone wants to know. Now I simply call myself, like my one uncle did, a "confirmed bachelor."

I'm going to link to this.

Z said...

I'm glad you came by today, Patrick.

Joubert said...

I just posted a link to your story, Z. Thank YOU.

elmers brother said...

Not what we have today...not like films that make sex less than beautiful, even make it hackneyed......how exciting is THAT?

That's because the world equates sex with love.

And the world equates love with live and let live.

The WordSmith from Nantucket said...

He lived his life as the man he was, never wearing his preference on his sleeve,

And that's part of the problem with the gay and lesbian activists. They flaunt their sexuality in public expressiveness that I don't deem appropriate for straight people.


Your cousin sounds wonderful.

Pat Jenkins said...

great piece z. gay or straight we all are human beings.....

Anonymous said...

Z that was a FANTASTIC tribute to your cousin. It sounds like you loved and respected him, and he deserved it!

One of my favorite cousins is a lesbian, and we just spent 3 days together in TN. We grew up together and I ALWAYS knew she was a "boy" despite the obvious beauty G-d gave her. She's a very succesful chiropractor in Minnesota who takes care of my elderly aunt, LOVES deer hunting season, and I WISH I could say she was as succesful with her relationships as your cousin was. That's the one big failing in her life. She's such a wonderful and loving person...

G-d bless and keep your cousin.

Morgan

The Merry Widow said...

My 2 children have a gay friend from youth group...his is the sad case of an overinvolved and protective mother, with a penchant for feeding him soy protein as he was growing, and a father who disliked him from birth...go figure.
He calls me from Harvard to talk about spiritual matters...I love him like a cousin or nephew.
Treat ALL people with dignity and behave with decorum yourself.
Hate the sin, but love the sinner, because you are one too!

tmw

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