Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Does God gives us CLUES? the nudge is answer the nudge!

A friend of mine died tonight. She was 96 years old and 100% mentally 'with it' and 80% physically well. She still drove and her license wasn't to expire until her 100th birthday. Nikki was Japanese and you never ever spoke to Nikki for more than half an hour before she'd tell you about having been put in an interment camp and how difficult that was. She was a widow for many years and had some sons but I don't know that much about her other than that. I do know she was a Christian woman of strong faith and the oldest member of our church.

It's been a particularly difficult time for me lately, somehow I think my subconscious is finally buying into the fact that my Mr. Z is really, really gone. I've also had piles of paperwork for various things and I'm dealing with a lot of other situations, too....let's say the months since Mr. Z died have been tough and lately it's been even tougher. So, on top of all of that, word of Nikki's death was a bigger blow than it might have been, I took it pretty badly. Here's another reason I'm taking it badly: Somehow, I KNEW she'd be dying soon. I knew because something told me to call her up these last few months......
"CALL HER". And I didn't. She attended our church at a different time than I did but I'd occasionally see her there or I'd just figure I'll call her when I get around to it. We weren't close friends, I just liked her and respected her and I felt a call might make her happy, it might make a very old and dear lady's day just thinking about how someone had called her and wanted to chat. "CALL HER" is something I've heard before. This is the 'clue' I mentioned in my subject line of this post.

I have had this "Call" thing happen three times.........Obviously, Nikki was very old so I knew she'd die some day fairly soon, but she was VERY healthy and she could have lived for another ten years, why not? It's easy to understand why I felt some degree of urgency to call someone her age...but I hadn't! I'd been busy and lazy at the same time. Over the last twenty years or so I particularly remember two people I knew who'd died and, only a few months before they did, I'd frequently felt that very strong nudge to call and, for some reason or another, I didn't. I was busy, or in the shower when I thought of it, or was in the car.......I didn't call. And then I found they'd died. Each time it has happened, I've thought "Next time you get that feeling, CALL! I'll never ignore that feeling again!" But, alas.....

Tonight, I told a 40 year old girlfriend, "If I ever call your husband John and ask how you're doing, you'd better double up on your vitamins!"
So, my blog's about this and meant to be a nudge to you all; Call someone next time you think of them. Call an elderly person because that twenty minutes or so you might talk will tell her or him you care and, let's face it, some elderly people don't talk to anyone all day long. Call. Or, call a friend just to say hello.......Call when you feel like it. Call when you don't. Call when that person comes into your mind frequently over a period of time, trust me.

This is the end of my self-serving sermon. I say self-serving because maybe I'm feeling such guilt over not having called Nikki that it eases some of my guilt if you call your friend? I don't know... Mostly, I just don't want you feeling like I do tonight. I'll get over it, I'm not eating my heart out over this, but I do feel it. I liked Nikki very much.

I hope she knew it. That, I guess, is my point.
Rest in peace, dear Nikki..........say hello to my Mr. Z.


lovelyprism said...

I'm feeling like we have so much in common lately. Or maybe it's my misery looking for company? I found myself reaching for the phone so many times only to remember I can't call my Dad, he's gone. It's finally starting to sink in. I made an effort to call my Grandma on her 93rd birthday because I was feeling guilty and wanting to make sure she knew I loved her. I wasn't even sure she knew I was angry with her. But she IS 93 afterall. I called her again yesterday and was met with hostility. She called me a liar and a little shit then proceeded to hang up on me. Well I thought she did. I tried to call her twice today and got no answer. I'm trying to do the right thing, I had that feeling... that call her feeling. I tried. Didn't work out so well. Now I'm actually hoping she hung up on me rather than the disturbing thoughts running through my head!

Sorry for the ramble. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I'm sure she knew you were fond of her and was happy for your company and phone calls in the past.

Opus #6 said...

I called my Aunt in Chicago today, great conversation. I mean to schedule lunch with a neighbor and I will do it now. Thanks for the inspiration.

lovelyprism said...

You changed the title? They're both good but I liked the first one better. Thanks for coming to see me :-)

Z said...

Okay, I'll change it back, Lovely!
You are SO welcome, I miss you and was so happy to see you here.
By the way, your grandmother called you a LITTLE SHIT? :-) HEH!!

Opus, I'm very happy about that...

lovelyprism said...

:-) You made the LITTLE SHIT smile!

Anonymous said...

Z, sorry to hear about your old friend. I guess at 96, every day is a gift. My grandmother woud say, after she hit 90, "I'm glad I'm still here", and then she'd giggle as if she was getting away with something.

I called her a lot, we were very close. She lived with my Mom in her waning years and I knew she loved to hear from her grandchildren. It brightened her day.

My cousins called her seldom, and I know she missed hearing from them. So, your advice is good Z.

My grandmother wasn't a complainer, but she'd say things like, "I wish would I hear from so and so, but she didn't want to bother them".

You're right about that nudge, but people get busy, and the time just goes by. They don't mean to put it off, it just sort of happens.


JINGOIST said...

Z, I'm sorry about your friend. Thanks for the idea, I'll be calling my mom after my first job.

FairWitness said...

Good morning, Z. The mysteries of life and death... God's clues are sometimes difficult to pick up on. You are dealing with very painful issues & profound personal loss that require an immense amount of energy just to endure.

You absolutely you cared for this lovely 96 year old friend. Advanced age told you she was near the end of her life. That's common sense. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You can only stand so much grief before it consumes you. You have to take care of yourself. Just talk to your friend in Heaven, tell her how much you liked and admired her. She will hear you.

As for your subconscious awakening to find Mr. Z is really gone, this is part of the process. At first you go into shock, you're almost numb emotionally because the loss is so enormous you can't quite understand it. As time goes on, you start to realize just what the loss of Mr. Z means to your life. It is more painful as the shock wears off. The sadness and despair... Death is final and forever.

Try to remember Mr. Z's laugh, his smile, that twinkle in his eyes as he gazed at you with love. These things can comfort you. That love you both felt is still alive, it still exists, it's deep inside your soul. It can sustain you.

May God watch over you and help you find the strength to endure, my dear friend, Z. God bless you, dear lady.

shoprat said...

That is why I take so many trips to my parents' house. One of my biggest regrets is that I wasn't able to visit my Dad on his last healthy weekend.

I am praying for you in your rough times.

May God give you joy.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, Z.
Why is it that when we're down, things just keep falling on our heads??

...I hate that feeling...

Thank you for this reminder to listen to my instincts, or God's voice. It's a powerful gift and I believe it gets stronger the more we pay attention to it.

Steve Harkonnen said...

Z, your friend is smiling down at you from heaven just for posting this blog, and mentioning her name.

Lose your guilt. You've been through a lot of pain from losing loved ones. God knows who you are and He is not angry with you.

Z said...

You all are THE BEST. Thanks for your encouragement.

And keep listening to your's God calling :-)

see you this afternoon, love you all. me

Joe said...

It is so agrivating when I feel God's prodding and fail to respond to it. How often I have been sorry that I did not respond.

Anonymous said...

Oh Z I am so sorry I did not know Mr. Z died - I have been gone for over a year as you know. I also am sorry for the loss of your friend Nikki.

I am familiar with loss, the loss of a son, and uncle, grandparents, a favorite cousin, and a few other cousins, and some dear friends much older than I.

I know about that knudging. about 15 years ago after I gave birth to my one daughter I was compelled to call a friend battling cancer. I had spoken to her about three weeks before my daughter was born. I put it off. She had almost a year prior gone through a bone marrow transplant so our last conversation was high spirited as she was planning a 4th of July party.

I waited until about a month after my daughter was born to call and I got an unfamiliar voice. When I asked to speak to Sue, they demanded who is this, so I told them who I was and added I was a former neighbor of hers calling to see how she was doing and how her 4th of July party went. It turned out it was her brother from NY and he told me she had died only the day before. If only I had called weeks before or just the day before... a lot of if only's...

She had a hard time breathing and they told her it was the humidity to get central air. They did it, but it did not help. The cancer returned and invaded her lungs. Basically they sent her home to die. She woke up the day before I called her at 3:00 AM to go to the bathroom and collapsed and died instantly.

I've never forgotten that or Sue. Ever since, like you, I too hear that inner voice, the Holy Spirit telling me to call or to do something for someone-but now I listen, I always listen.

Again, I am so sorry for Mr. Z's passing. Please e-mail me Z if you ever need to rant or need anything.

Your friend,

cube said...

Do me a favor and never call me, OK? ;-) Just a little levity to lift your mood.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I would've heeded the nudge if I hadn't just had a 45 minute political discussion with my dad on the phone. He called to wish his granddaughter a happy birthday, but, as usual, we got off track.

Z said...

Joe, do it next time. For me.
But, mostly, for Him :-)

Layla, will you PLEASE email me? I can't find your email address; looked just yesterday and can't find it :-(
Thank you for your sympathy on my Mr. was incredible and this week's been almost as bad as the first week.

Cube, I PROMISE :-)
And sorry for the political discussion...what's the MATTER with that MAN? :-)

Anonymous said...

To answer the question in your headline in one word:


~ FT

cube said...

I got my love of politics from my father. We can't help ourselves, but it's all in good fun.

ExPreacherMan said...

Dear Z,

I agree -- memories are wonderful, enjoy them but lose the guilt. The old hymn -- probably lost in these days of commercial church, "What a friend I have in Jesus -- all my sin and GRIEF TO BEAR.." Christ has taken it all for those of us who trust Him as OUR Savior.

I have been pretty ill lately and thought this note I jotted off might be of interest to you and your readers.
Here is a wonderful Truth for a true believer in Jesus Christ who is not well (or any believer).. Think about it -- It is a win-win situation.. If you get better, you are well, If not, Heaven is GUARANTEED -- even better. 2 Corinthians 5:8 "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."
We may not be near that point yet, but we remember and rejoice, it is not my choice but is of the Lord, His choice of time.
What an amazing promise from an Amazing Savior through His Amazing Grace.


In Jesus Christ eternally,

Z said...

Jack, I'm so sorry to hear you've been so ill....
I love that hymn, it's about the only one I think I know all the words to..thanks for the reminder.
You're in my prayers. xxx